Three Kisses
by Kasra
Summary: Duo's perspective on what was, and what could have been, with Quatre. Set during Blind Target manga. Yaoi, 2x4 and implied 3x4.


Disclaimer: I'm an engineer, not an anime producer. Hence, I don't own 'em. I'm just playing nicely with them for a little bit.

Author's note: This is a repost of the original fic I first posted a year ago to this day. It was the first fanfic I'd written in about ten years, and I was surprised and pleased by the positive reception it received. I've revised a few of the rough edges of my writing, so there's minor differences from the original.

Pairings: 2x4, implied 3x4 (Duo's POV)

Warnings: lime (implied lemon), mild angst

Spoilers: Entire series, plus Blind Target manga (within which the story takes place)

Feedback: kasra_c@yahoo.com

  
  


"Three Kisses"

  


by Kasra

  
  


I never should have kissed you the second time.

The first time it was all right - an experiment, if you will; a blending of souls together to taste for a moment something that could have been, but never would. There was an incredible innocence in that kiss - the giving and taking something of each other's souls, a wholeness experienced for such a brief moment, pulling towards each other, merging, our desires mingling in the space of a moment.

We broke apart at the same time, breathing heavily and staring at each other with glazed eyes. When I'd gone to see you, I never thought it would come to this. I expected to express my secret longing, gain some comfort, and ultimately leave unrequited. After all, that's how these things are supposed to work. You had your fairytale lover, your best friend, your soul mate, and I was just another admirer, a distraction to take you away from him.

I was surprised when you took my confession so calmly. I was even more surprised when I learned that you felt the same. It hurt a little to realize how I'd practically cursed myself over this from the very beginning. Had I realized your attraction when we'd met, I never would have allowed you to slip away. Of course, neither of us was really in any condition for that sort of thing at the time, what with Heero's self-detonation and our own hopeless position. Maybe that's why I found myself so drawn to you; in a time of strife, you offered me friendship, companionship, and trust, when it seemed like the rest of the world would have just as soon I'd died.

And then, fool that you were, you damn near killed yourself while allowing for my own escape into space. I guess it was to be expected, after our talk about Heero's little stunt.

I remember that Wufei had to physically drag me away to my shuttle, calmly rationalizing your sacrifice as he buckled me in. I couldn't help myself as I found myself staring out the window in morbid fascination. As my shuttle launched into the stars, the sky lit up with the soul of Sandrock, and I felt something inside of me die. I shivered uncontrollably, rocking in my seat, and fought the tears that threatened my eyes.

I guess that explains to some extent my own apathy, when faced down by OZ with a non-functioning mobile suit. At least your self-detonator worked.

I didn't hear about you again until the Wing Zero incident. I admit to a private sense of joy at the news of your survival; you should have seen me beg Trowa to let me go with him to meet up with you. And who knows, maybe if I had gone, things might have worked out differently... but that's water under the bridge, as they say.

After escaping from the moon base, events started to blur together. When I ran into Trowa at the circus, I knew something was wrong; that feeling didn't leave when I surprised you at your family's resource satellite.

Did I unwittingly curse myself by telling you where to find him, when he had amnesia? If I'd known about how you felt at the time, would I have chosen differently?

You had asked me then if I would join you in the fight to end the war. Even as I refused, I felt my resolve waver. I left before I could change my mind.

Even so, we all ended up on the Peacemillion in the end, after all.

I am pretty certain I knew the moment that Trowa regained his memory. Even though I was not plugged directly into the Zero system, it left some of its essence behind in me, and sometimes those tendrils wove together to form a kind of intuition of its other pilots.

I watched you carefully as you approached him in the bay after the battle. The look on your face when Trowa leapt out of Wing Zero - fear mixed with sadness and regret and - was that a spark of hope? - told me plainly enough where your affections laid. His own eyes sparkled with intensity. It was when he pulled you close into an embrace that I felt it was time for me to leave.

And yet, I found that I couldn't stay away from you, and keeping my feelings bottled up inside was driving me crazy. So that was how I found myself knocking on the door to your room that night. I just needed to clear the slate with you so that I could move on.

And then you kissed me. I wasn't so certain that I wanted to give up so easily anymore.

But as I looked into your flushed face, I saw the confusion warring in the stormy depths of your eyes. I knew at that moment that you loved both of us, and that you had enough love for the both of us. And yet I also knew he and I could never share you. But since Trowa had claimed you first, I had to cede defeat and face the reality that you and Trowa were lovers, and that I had missed my chance.

So we decided to stay friends. We needed to work together as a team, so we resolved to remain platonic, and cherish the memory of that single kiss. Through the end of war, we continued to work unaffected side-by-side, lending strength to each other.

I remember landing on MO-II after the final battle. I looked up to your Gundam intending to give you a hug - and maybe even steal a kiss - when I saw Trowa entering the hatch. The bitterness that flared up dissolved immediately as I saw him carry you out of Sandrock. I panicked - what the hell was wrong? You'd just fought by our sides to destroy the Libra, why did Trowa have to carry you out? And then - oh god - the blood dripping out of the hole in your suit. How could I have missed it?

I saw the medics strapping you down, and I saw Trowa take your hand. Fighting down the sick feeling in my stomach, I leapt up to Sandrock's hatch and looked inside. Oh, god. Your blood practically painted the controls red. How much had you lost? It was a miracle that you were even conscious at the end... no...

Realization flooded my senses, and my mind whirled as a single thought became frighteningly clear. I realized with sick dread that you had intended to die destroying the remains of the Libra.

I quickly pulled myself away and hopped down to the deck, unable to hold it in anymore, and retched.

I felt a warm hand rubbing circles on my back, steadying me. Surprised, my eyes met Heero's and a lifetime's worth of understanding passed between them.

He gently guided me to a room to rest and assured me I would be awakened when you pulled through. Not if, when. I felt secure enough in his confidence to give into the exhaustion I'd been feeling since I'd boarded the Peacemillion. I hadn't had a good night's sleep since... well, since that night we kissed.

When I awoke, I set off to find your room. I opened the door and peeked in, instead of barging in per my usual style. It was amazing how tiny you looked in that huge bed, the sensors all over you tracking your vital signs through the flickering monitors, and the IVs dripping life into you. My eyes trailed over your frail form and landed on your hands.

Or rather, who was holding your hand, even in his sleep. Trowa must have fallen asleep at your bedside while waiting for you to awaken. Something gnawed at my stomach and I'm fairly certain now that it was guilt - guilt that I hadn't been there by your side; guilt that I'd made it through the battle with no injuries; guilt that I hadn't been able to save you, or that I couldn't even lessen the pain you were feeling now.

Guilt, perhaps; jealousy, certainly.

Even in his sleep, Trowa absently stroked your hand. I felt more and more like an intruder as I stared at the tender scene in front of me. Still, I wasn't going to leave until you awoke, so I quietly pulled up a chair and waited it out.

When you awoke, the first word you whispered was the name of your beloved. Then you noticed me and gave me the most brilliant smile I've ever seen. I knew you were going to be all right then. Together, we toasted the end of the war and the beginning of a new era of peace.

Not long afterwards, we all parted our separate ways. I headed back to L2 and took up a delivery job to supplement my scrap yard. The two of us kept in touch, and I was glad that I got the rare chance to see you in person before the colony conference. There was still a little pain, but I'd learned to deal with it in our time apart.

I was surprised that Trowa was not living with you, although I couldn't bring myself to ask what the circumstances were there. You seemed content, and much more confident in yourself as you headed towards the conference.

I could live with the pain now; I could live my life so long as I just got to watch you be happy.

Then Heero called, and turned my world upside down.

I don't remember how I got to the conference building. I remember throwing myself through a crowd of people; I remember thinking I'd never get there fast enough. I remember screaming your name when I saw the explosion that I knew had taken your life. And running into the burning building, regardless of the danger, regardless of the reality that you were dead, to search for your body.

What a shock it was to find you alive, albeit unconscious. I think I damn near fainted in relief. Then my instincts took over, and I pulled you out of the building and quickly hid you away.

I kept a vigil by your side until you awoke. The waiting was agonizing, made all of the worse by my own panicked heart. I didn't know why you weren't in the room with the rest of the attendees, but I'd never been so thankful for that miracle. The thought that I'd almost lost you twisted my gut, and as the shock wore off I felt the tears spring unbidden to my eyes. So I sat there and held your hand, and waited.

When your eyelashes fluttered, I nearly cried out in happiness. I threw my arms around your reclining body, heedless of any harm the explosion might have done to you, and held you close. Your eyes opened and met mine.

And then I couldn't help myself, even though I swore I'd never do it again.

I kissed you.

You seemed shocked for a moment - a long, breathless moment - and then you were returning my kiss. No longer innocent - this was something far beyond what that first kiss had been, filled with desire and an aching need that had dwelt in my soul for the past year. My tongue nudged your mouth open as my hands sought to cover you, to memorize you, in this single golden moment. I felt like I hadn't felt my entire life - completely alive, the electricity running through my veins, my heart beating at triple hammer pace.

I didn't care if what I was taking was forbidden. God could have smitten me down right there and I would have died a happy man.

One thing quickly led to another, and before I think either of us realized what was happening, we were both naked on the couch. I looked into your eyes, storms of passion gazing back. Time stood still for a moment as I asked a silent question. Certainty gazed back in the depths of your eyes, and I moved in to kiss you once more before sealing my doom within your body.

Sometime close to an hour later, the reality of what we had done finally sunk in, and I realized what I had to do. I uncurled myself from your arms gently and kissed you on the forehead. Your eyes fluttered open, and I was almost pulled down into your gaze. But now was not the time for such things; as it was, I had enough things to trouble me into the afterlife, before worrying about what I was going to do next. I whispered that you should rest, since I had an errand to run and likely wouldn't return alone. And when I returned, I knew there would be no resting for a long time.

Sorta ironic, isn't it, that just as I've finally gotten the one thing I wanted the most in my life, that my mission would send me to find the only person capable of taking him away.

I found Trowa where I expected to, not far from the circus, wandering around town. Even though it warred with my own selfish desires, I brought him back to the shuttle.

Was that joy I saw on his face when he saw you? Probably, although considering recent events, I know why it wasn't completely mirrored on your own. Once again, I found myself wondering what had happened between the two of you that brought you to this point.

Did I have a chance, after all?

When we got to the abandoned colony, I took Trowa aside at the first opportunity for a talk. In that brief span of time I learned more about the boy than I had learned in the previous year fighting beside him. I saw the genuine concern in his eyes over what had happened to you, and his own regret for leaving you after the war. He spoke of his intentions in going - that it would give each of you a chance to discover life on your own before committing completely to each other. He spoke of his dreams of a future with you, and then broke down, realizing aloud how close he had come to losing you.

His emotions, so familiar, tore me up inside and I couldn't hold it in any longer. I confessed my own feelings for you to him, and told him everything that happened. Somewhat surprisingly, he didn't get angry, he only seemed to get sadder.

And maybe that was what changed my resolve. I decided that you would have to be the one to make the choice between the two of us. I didn't feel it was my right anymore to try to force others to conform to my emotional needs. With that in mind, we returned to the mission at hand.

In the end, the emotional spectacle that I'd been dreading never happened. As I observed you during the mission, I saw how you were pulled closer to Trowa with each passing day. And yet, it never became awkward between us, and for that I am thankful. In the end, you chose him, even though you never knew that you were being asked to pick one of us. Perhaps that is the way it should have been all along. By the end of the mission, it was certain that you would go with him, and I would return home alone to my scrap yard. No hard feelings; just memories to cherish of what could have been.

I leaned over to give you one last hug before jumping on my shuttle home to L2. You surprised me by throwing your arms around me and soundly kissing me on the lips. I felt the world drop out beneath me, my adrenaline racing, as I began to return your kiss. But my eyes opened unbidden and came to rest on Trowa's own, and I quickly broke away. He had that damnable knowing smirk on his face.

I waved goodbye, knowing I'd see you soon enough.

I still dream from time to time of what might have been. I don't know if anything I could have done differently would have changed the end result, but I'm fairly content with my lot in life. Trowa is a good man, one of my best friends, and I know that he makes you very happy. I have my fantasy, and it will have to be enough.

But sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't hurt so much to see you two together, if I had never kissed you the second time.

  


THE END


End file.
